Nonviolent Communication

I finished this book some time ago, but I never got around to blogging about it. A shame, because it's one of the books that has probably had the biggest positive impact on the way I work and relate with others. It is light and well written, full of anecdotes, yet very hard to put in practice. The book contained some song texts, supposedly to better convey emotions but that doesn't work, so I skipped them mostly. I think I dislike song texts in books in general. The lord of the rings was full of them too. Without the music they miss their point.
Anyway, nonviolent communication is grounded in constructivist psychology as pioneered by Marshall Rosenberg. Constructivism in psychology means that therapeut and patient engage in a conversation on an equal level to discuss mental 'constructs' that are hindering the patients life. Patients are not 'evaluated' or 'diagnosed' or 'personality typed', all categorical thinking is refrained.
In daily life this means that the most enriching conversations are empathic conversations on the same level. Not boss-subordinate, client-consultant,... You try to avoid prejudices or categories about your conversation partner and be genuinly interested in their emotions and needs. You do this without ignoring your own feelings. It is important to remember that you are responsible for your own feelings. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. There is a difference between acknowledging someones feeling (empathy, rapport) and feeling responsible (or guilty)!
It is also important to note that the noun 'feeling' is sometimes misused. True feelings are: happiness, sadness, frustration,... "I feel like you ignore me" is not a feeling but a judgement.
Judgements are in the way of observation and empathy. We are quick to judge, it's automatic. NVC is not judging, but just observing. Obsering needs and feelings, of your own and of others. Judgement leads to anger. Expressing needs leads to harmony.
Hence the four steps of NVC:
1. Observation of concrete actions that are affecting our wellbeing
2. Finding the feeling of yourself and others with regard to these actions
2.b Building empathy
3. Expressing, or finding needs
4. Making a specific action request. No demand, no vague wish.

The difference between a demand and a request is the tone of voice and expressing the need behind the request.

In relation to the general idea the book contains some interesting remarks:
- In a quarelling group, where insults abound, let everyone express their needs, plain and simple. The results will be incredible.
- When helping other people express their feelings, try to be observative, don't take responsibility. Don't try "Are you feeling hurt because I made that remark" but try "Are you feeling hurt because you need more acknowledgement?"
- Don't do anything if it is not play. Make a list of the thing you don't like doing and add your reasons. If they are reasons like 'Money' or 'Peer pressure' stop doing them. Otherwise you just found a good reason that motivates you to do something you don't like! See also my blog about Edward Deci's book, "Why we do what we do".
- Also when giving compliments, watch out for judgements. It is better to concretely say what you like and how you feel than just calling someone a genious. This way of complimentiong is more sustainable. Don't say "Good boy", but say "I'm so happy that you've shown generosity by sharing the sweets with your brother"
- Try to receive other's feelings empathically: connect their feeling to an observation without judging, consoling, advising, etc. Very difficult! But it will make the other feel heard.
- When facing agitated people this is the one pun to remember "Don't put your but in the face of an angry person!"
- Also avoid ' shoulding' and judging yourself. It does as much damage to yourself as to others.

I've been trying this out so enthousiastically that some people told me I was loosing my authenticity. Collegues were asking where the good old me was, who never held back on cynism and sarcasm when heavily criticising... I'm trying to find a good balance. Anyway there's more at the Centre for Nonviolent Communication website if you're interested.