Nonviolent Communication

I finished this book some time ago, but I never got around to blogging about it. A shame, because it's one of the books that has probably had the biggest positive impact on the way I work and relate with others. It is light and well written, full of anecdotes, yet very hard to put in practice. The book contained some song texts, supposedly to better convey emotions but that doesn't work, so I skipped them mostly. I think I dislike song texts in books in general. The lord of the rings was full of them too. Without the music they miss their point.
Anyway, nonviolent communication is grounded in constructivist psychology as pioneered by Marshall Rosenberg. Constructivism in psychology means that therapeut and patient engage in a conversation on an equal level to discuss mental 'constructs' that are hindering the patients life. Patients are not 'evaluated' or 'diagnosed' or 'personality typed', all categorical thinking is refrained.
In daily life this means that the most enriching conversations are empathic conversations on the same level. Not boss-subordinate, client-consultant,... You try to avoid prejudices or categories about your conversation partner and be genuinly interested in their emotions and needs. You do this without ignoring your own feelings. It is important to remember that you are responsible for your own feelings. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. There is a difference between acknowledging someones feeling (empathy, rapport) and feeling responsible (or guilty)!
It is also important to note that the noun 'feeling' is sometimes misused. True feelings are: happiness, sadness, frustration,... "I feel like you ignore me" is not a feeling but a judgement.
Judgements are in the way of observation and empathy. We are quick to judge, it's automatic. NVC is not judging, but just observing. Obsering needs and feelings, of your own and of others. Judgement leads to anger. Expressing needs leads to harmony.
Hence the four steps of NVC:
1. Observation of concrete actions that are affecting our wellbeing
2. Finding the feeling of yourself and others with regard to these actions
2.b Building empathy
3. Expressing, or finding needs
4. Making a specific action request. No demand, no vague wish.

The difference between a demand and a request is the tone of voice and expressing the need behind the request.

In relation to the general idea the book contains some interesting remarks:
- In a quarelling group, where insults abound, let everyone express their needs, plain and simple. The results will be incredible.
- When helping other people express their feelings, try to be observative, don't take responsibility. Don't try "Are you feeling hurt because I made that remark" but try "Are you feeling hurt because you need more acknowledgement?"
- Don't do anything if it is not play. Make a list of the thing you don't like doing and add your reasons. If they are reasons like 'Money' or 'Peer pressure' stop doing them. Otherwise you just found a good reason that motivates you to do something you don't like! See also my blog about Edward Deci's book, "Why we do what we do".
- Also when giving compliments, watch out for judgements. It is better to concretely say what you like and how you feel than just calling someone a genious. This way of complimentiong is more sustainable. Don't say "Good boy", but say "I'm so happy that you've shown generosity by sharing the sweets with your brother"
- Try to receive other's feelings empathically: connect their feeling to an observation without judging, consoling, advising, etc. Very difficult! But it will make the other feel heard.
- When facing agitated people this is the one pun to remember "Don't put your but in the face of an angry person!"
- Also avoid ' shoulding' and judging yourself. It does as much damage to yourself as to others.

I've been trying this out so enthousiastically that some people told me I was loosing my authenticity. Collegues were asking where the good old me was, who never held back on cynism and sarcasm when heavily criticising... I'm trying to find a good balance. Anyway there's more at the Centre for Nonviolent Communication website if you're interested.

Why We Do What We Do - summary

In a training about situational leadership I had many questions about the difficult art of motivating people. I was recommended to read 'Why we do the things we do' by Edward Deci. I found it an interesting book with a more nuanced picture of human motivation than generally proclaimed by behavioralists. Behavioralism says that if you reward the behavior you want and punish the behavior you don't want (in a ratio of 4 to 1) you will be able to change how people behave. That is including yourself if you believe the books by, for instance, Ben Tiggelaar. The reason for this would be that we are evolutionary programmed thusly that we adapt behaviors which give instant reward (and avoid instant punishing behaviors).

What Edward Deci says is that motivation (and thus behavior) is more complex than that. In an experiment with some enjoyable puzzles that challenge your visual thinking Deci made two groups. He rewarded the first group with money for each solved puzzle, and did not talk about rewards to the other groups. The motivation was measured when the researcher left the lab 'for doing some paperwork' and let the subjects wait for 8 minutes. The people who earned money just stared around or read a book. But the other group just continued puzzeling! For Fun! This led Deci to suspect that there is something like intrinsic motivation (self motivation) and extrinsic motivation (from external, contingent rewards). In the first one the -effort- is appreciated by the self and/or the environment. In the second one, contingent rewards are used as a tool to control the -outcome- of the effort.

More research in his book shows that, as you would think, intrinsic motivation is superior to extrinsinc motivation. The research shows for example that intrinsically motivated people have a better mental health, can better cope with chaos and disappointment, care more for their environment, learn with more understanding, enjoy more what they do and solve problems more creatively. On the contrary extrinsically motivated people are compliant or defiant (not wholeheartedly committed), they are susceptible to direct control and use minute control as a tool in return, can not bring about lasting personal change, and experience failure as a damage of the ego.

After the books takes quite some pages to convince the reader that intrinsic motivation is better - who would have guessed that? - near the end comes the big question: how do you then go about motivating people intrinsically? For this Deci talks about a style he calls 'autonomy support'. It means you support people to become more and more autonomous in their behaviour and decisions. You start from the point of view of the other and nurture autonomy, self confidence and self esteem. The detail about how to exercise 'autonomy support' are pretty vague in the book. I understand it starts from the instrinsic motivation in some area, already present in people, and expanding on that area of motivation to build motivation for other tasks and skills. At all time giving choice and respecting the opinion of the other.

(Sidenote: At the moment I am reading 'Cross cultural competence' by C. Hampden-Turner. It's a great book about solving cultural dilemmas. When Deci says that by making the individual more autonomous the community will be served, C. Hampden-Turner argues that this is only one way to resolution: you can also claim that by being part of a group the individual receives his/her identity.)

Anyway, Deci concludes with an interesting discussion about freedom. He talks about his experience in communist Romania where people were free to leave there jobs in the middle of they to go and do whetever they pleased. They could not get fired anyway. But they had no choice in their job, so they were not intrinsically motivated at all. Is this freedom? This is compared to the usual Capitalist economies where people work overtime 60h per week out of fear for loosing their job. And the money from the job gives you access to this nice car and that beautiful villa. Is that freedom? Deci's conclusion is that in fact both are examples of external control, one trough strict rules, the other trough contingent rewards. True freedom involves a balance between being proactive in dealing with your environment and being respectful of it.

Now that I come to think of it: at the university I never understood extrinsically motivated co-students. I pitied them and I loathed them. They were so focused on their degree, on ticking of another course that they were not learning a thing. It didn't seem to interest them. They were not creative, they had no passion for whatever they were doing. I vowed to go back to the university and become professer in a course named 'Passion for Design'. I would help people find their passion and source of creativity...